Broken Cisterns

Disclaimer: This is not me preaching. This is me remembering. 

“My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
    the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
    broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”

Jeremiah 2:13

I need this reminder every once in a while. A cistern is a tank for storing water or an underground reservoir for water. You would see them all over Thailand where I live. It sustains life by giving water. So many times in my life I have tried to build cisterns to take care of myself and so many times they have failed me. 

One of the biggest ones is the way I cope with disappointment, anger, stress and pretty much any negative emotion. It has been my cistern for as long as I can remember. Eating. Growing up wasn't much fun for me I must admit. I was always the fat kid. There isn't one school picture that doesn't reflect this. Throughout elementary and middle school I was the butt of about every joke. At least it felt that way. Throw in a brief bout with body odor in 4th & 5th grade and a speech impediment that finally got dealt with in 6th grade, I was a mess. While I had some really good friends, there were days I just couldn't take it. What would I do? I would come home and thrash the cupboards and refrigerator until the pain and hurt was subdued by the euphoria of food. Of course this only perpetuated my obesity. But it was my coping mechanism. My cistern. And it was broken.

It stays with me into adulthood. While I have victory most days, this habit tends to creep back into my life and derail me. At one point in my life I ballooned up to 381.5lbs. That was my darkest moment; and my wake up call. 

Honeymoon 2004

Through the help of doctors, an amazing trainer, the encouragement of my friends, family and Jesus I have made it down to 240lbs. It is a long hard road. I struggle to get past this point because my broken cistern comes back to haunt me and tempt me and at times it wins out. Yet I don't want to trade in something broken for another busted cistern. See I have to remember that eating right and exercising, while important, will just end up being another broken cistern in my life. It will disappoint me and let me down. It has already. I suffered through injuries and disappointing performances that felt less life giving and more life sucking. I love it and it is a good habit to have but it isn't the whole of me.

I forget that God is my wellspring of life. He is the true life giver. He has restored so many broken pieces of my life and continues to do so. Wholeness is found in brokenness when I realize I can build cisterns, coping mechanisms in my life but they will let me down and disappoint at some point. I find I am at my best when I quit trying to handle everything on my own and allow God to be the sustainer of my life.  

Bonita Cafe 2012

I know not everyone who reads this blog follows Jesus like I do. Please don't take this post as preaching. I have been thinking about these words for a long time. I write this for myself to remember what Jesus said when He said, "“If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water...Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again,  but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

So my journey of fitness and health and running is all part of my journey of following Jesus. It's cool. Life is all connected. Jesus reconnected my broken pieces. I feel whole not because I am more fit, but because God makes me so. 

Dealing w/ Disappointment & Monday Morning Weigh In

Have you ever been disappointed but when you thought about it you say to you yourself, "yeah, i guess that makes sense". That was my day today. I went out and did my Monday morning run. Afterwards I was bummed because my favorite Joke (Thai rice porridge) guy was out already. Then, as tradition has it, I go stand on the scale in the condo complex laundry room... and there it was. Let's do my weigh in now.

Starting weight: 119kg (261.8 lbs)

Last Week: 109.8 (241.6lbs)

This Week: 110.5 (243.1 lbs)

Seriously?! I gained 1.5 pounds? That sucks. But thinking about it, I had it coming. lol. I ate terrible this week. I got waaaay too comfortable with the weight I was losing. This weekend I was at a retreat center and we ate western food and meat and dessert after every meal...every meal. I had a choice to eat it or not. It is my fault, but I just thought, eh, what could it hurt? Now I know.

I'm not bumming huge, which is a victory in and of itself. Normally I would have thrown in the towel and said forget it. It has refocused me and put me back on task. I think that is what our shortcomings should do. Help us to focus, see where we made mistakes, make corrections and keep going.

So what are your shortcomings or disappointments? Do they cause you to focus, correct and move on or throw in the towel? I am now more focused than ever. Sure, I won't lie, it sucks. But it was a lesson I needed to learn. Learn with me. There is a lot to say about this but I am just giving you/me something to think about.

Disappointments will come our way and we will let ourselves down at times, but that is life. I am excited about the future. This isn't about looking good in skinny jeans, although I am sure I do. lol. This is about saving my life, not just from heart disease and obesity, but saving myself from a passionless life. For myself, my passion to follow and be like Jesus calls me to health and living a full life. I won't let a little disappointment keep me from that.

Isaiah 40

Isaiah 40:28-31

⁸

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Running Into a Vision of What Should Be

So I had a wonderfully bizarre experience yesterday. I joined my running group for our Sunday morning run. We ran for 17.9km (11 miles) in Lumpini Park. Some ran faster and some ran slower but we all made it. It wasn't until after the run that I had a chance to reflect and wanted to share a few thoughts with you.

I don't assume anyone who reads this blog is a Christian, but indulge me for a moment to make a comparison. Part of my journey is the connecting of faith. Even if you don't follow Jesus, it might help paint a picture anyways. In the same way I try to understand Buddhism, this might be a good way to start to understand what it means to follow Jesus.

It reminded me of what church should be. Not the building we tend to file into on Sunday's but what church was meant to be. Church was a word that represented a people, not a building. On our run, sure we had a goal. We wanted to go 7 laps around the park. We accomplished that goal, but what was amazing was how it got completed.

Two of us are pretty slow so we pull up the back of the pack and finished maybe as much as 30-40 minutes behind everyone. But for the first 5 laps, one of the fastest guys stayed back with us. He offered conversation, advice, thoughts and we just spent time getting to know each other. We felt bad for holding him up but he actually came back for us and wanted to do it. As others lapped us they would tell us good job and we would mutually encourage each other. As they lapped us, another guy hung back with us and we spent time with him and listened to his story and were inspired by his passionate life. Afterwards many of us stuck around and chatted and ate together (those who could hold down food).

Man, that is what this journey of faith is for me. It gave me a picture of what church should look like. People from all different nationalities and backgrounds with a common vision and journey heading in the same direction, sharing life and encouraging others to join us no matter who they are. Instead of looking out for ourselves we encouraged each other and even some sacrificed their ability to leave others in the dust for the sake of community. That's what this group is for me on Sunday mornings. It's church or how I would envision it.

(Sorry Bangkok Runners if this seems crazy. lol.)

Oh and Monday Morning Weigh In: Down to 114kg (250.8lbs)

Lost This Week: 0.8 kg, 1.8 lbs

Total loss: 5kg (11lbs)

Not Feeling It

You ever say that? "I'm not feeling it." I felt that way this whole week but especially this morning. I woke up with the full intention of doing no form of exercise whatsoever. But after seeing my wife and son off for school I strapped on the ol' running shorts and off I went.

I went my usual route back by the Naval Welfare Complex. It was so hot. At 7:00am it was in the high 80's. I did my thing, looking at my Garmin as I ran just thinking it was off or re-calibrating every time I looked at it. When I finished my 3 miles I stopped the Garmin and was shocked at what I saw. I ran my fastest 3 miles of the week. It taught me a valuable lesson.

The lesson I learned is that I could have a good day or a bad day but if I never try, I would never know. The choice to go is the choice of the journey. I could have gone out today and flamed out in 2 miles. Could've happened. Or I could have an average run and be done. Or I could have run my best run of the week. You know what would have happened if I chose not to go? Nothing.

Life is full of choices. We can choose to push through "not feeling it" and see what happens on the other side. Good or bad, you did it. You chose it. That is the adventure of life. Choosing to do something. If we choose nothing, we get exactly that. Choose to do something. Choose life. I think of what Jesus said, "I have come that you may have life and have it to the full." That means the whole roller coaster. The good, the bad, the ugly. Life fully lived. I want that. Maybe I am making too big a deal of taking 7 seconds off a mile but I don't think so.

Today Choose Life.

Connecting My Soul

There is alot to be thinking about these days. I got alot on my mind. One thing on my mind is the connection of the spiritual and the physical. And to be honest, I think it is a false dichotomy. I believe that everything in our lives is spiritual. You might say, "Wait, I'm not into being spiritual". Too late. We are connected to something bigger than ourselves. That is part of the journey for me in my quest for better health. I believe that working out, family, work, faith, friends, mowing the yard, doing taxes are all connected. It is all a spiritual act. It is just a matter of us opening our eyes, hearts and soul to see it as such.

I am a follower of Jesus. Not everyone who reads this post is a follower of Jesus. No worries. I won't get preachy on you. That is not my point. My point is, our lives are connected to something bigger than ourselves. We must recognize that. It is part of our quest towards wholeness. This is what I am learning. When I am struggling in the pool, running 10k, doing the dishes, spending time with my family or riding the bus, it is all holy ground. I must recognize that God is with me and every moment is sacred. So the way I treat my body, my family, my enemies, myself is all a direct reflection of the health of my soul and my connectedness to Jesus.

My endevour to be physically healthier is not a separate endevour from my pursuit of Jesus. It is the same pursuit.

That is what I am connected to. What are you connected to outside yourself? Give me some feedback.