The Clouds are Farting

My son is so afraid of thunderstorms. He always has been. Even this morning he saw the grey clouds in the sky and was so worried it was going to rain on his way to school. When he was younger he would crawl out of bed and sleep on the couch while we were awake if it happened to be storming out. Thunder is very frightening to him. I tried to convince him lightning and thunder were nothing to fear. I would tell him how I enjoyed watching a good thunderstorm. He was not interested at all. I would use the oldie but goodie. "Thunder is God or angels bowling." Yeah, not convinced. Then the other night I busted out, "Thunder is just the clouds farting." I watched as his little 6 year old brain processed away and then he just giggled and grin and ran off. Then 2 nights ago he was in bed and a loud, room shaking burst of thunder filled our apartment. He jumped out of bed and came running out. I thought he was going to want to lay on the couch with us and do a little whimpering. Instead he gives me a goofy grin, looks at me and says, "The clouds are farting!" Oh man...so that's what sticks? But he doesn't fear thunder as much now because he has an understanding...some what. But this taught me an interesting lesson about fear.

 Much of what we fear is because we don't know. We don't know what it is like to run a marathon. We don't try new experiences, foods or adventures simply because the fear of the unknown outweighs our willingness to step out. We feel we need to understand something before we can no longer fear it. We do the same with people. We are sometimes afraid to get to know people of other backgrounds, nationalities or even social circles because we are worried about being accepted or we have made our own assumptions about who they are. Or we think there isn't anything we can have in common with people "so different". Fear is a good thing. It is natural. It is what keeps us from doing something stupid or reckless. But many times fear is a liar and can become overwhelming and unrealistic. We fear it/them because we don't know. We need to push past our fears and embrace the unknown. Try something new. Talk to someone that seems different than you. See what is on the other side of the unknown. You know what happens if you don't, right? Nothing.

Fear can be crippling and keep us from embracing life and others fully. See the opposite of fear is not courage. No, courage is something done in spite of fear. I can still be afraid of soi dogs and walk down my street at 2 am if I have to. The opposite of fear is love. If we learn to embrace and love life, love others and love what is around us our fear will be replaced. It's not an easy task but it is a necessary one. As a young man I usually retreated from hard things, new people and experiences because I was afraid but the older I get the more I long to love Jesus, love others, love my life. I am doing things I never would have done before because I was afraid. I would have missed out on amazing friendships over the years and incredible life experiences (good & bad). Don't let fear keep you from loving life and loving others.


PS - I wasn't that far off on my definition of thunder. Thunder: a loud, explosive, resounding noise produced by the explosive expansion of air heated by a lightning discharge. - Dictionary.com

Broken Cisterns

Disclaimer: This is not me preaching. This is me remembering. 

“My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
    the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
    broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”

Jeremiah 2:13

I need this reminder every once in a while. A cistern is a tank for storing water or an underground reservoir for water. You would see them all over Thailand where I live. It sustains life by giving water. So many times in my life I have tried to build cisterns to take care of myself and so many times they have failed me. 

One of the biggest ones is the way I cope with disappointment, anger, stress and pretty much any negative emotion. It has been my cistern for as long as I can remember. Eating. Growing up wasn't much fun for me I must admit. I was always the fat kid. There isn't one school picture that doesn't reflect this. Throughout elementary and middle school I was the butt of about every joke. At least it felt that way. Throw in a brief bout with body odor in 4th & 5th grade and a speech impediment that finally got dealt with in 6th grade, I was a mess. While I had some really good friends, there were days I just couldn't take it. What would I do? I would come home and thrash the cupboards and refrigerator until the pain and hurt was subdued by the euphoria of food. Of course this only perpetuated my obesity. But it was my coping mechanism. My cistern. And it was broken.

It stays with me into adulthood. While I have victory most days, this habit tends to creep back into my life and derail me. At one point in my life I ballooned up to 381.5lbs. That was my darkest moment; and my wake up call. 

Honeymoon 2004

Through the help of doctors, an amazing trainer, the encouragement of my friends, family and Jesus I have made it down to 240lbs. It is a long hard road. I struggle to get past this point because my broken cistern comes back to haunt me and tempt me and at times it wins out. Yet I don't want to trade in something broken for another busted cistern. See I have to remember that eating right and exercising, while important, will just end up being another broken cistern in my life. It will disappoint me and let me down. It has already. I suffered through injuries and disappointing performances that felt less life giving and more life sucking. I love it and it is a good habit to have but it isn't the whole of me.

I forget that God is my wellspring of life. He is the true life giver. He has restored so many broken pieces of my life and continues to do so. Wholeness is found in brokenness when I realize I can build cisterns, coping mechanisms in my life but they will let me down and disappoint at some point. I find I am at my best when I quit trying to handle everything on my own and allow God to be the sustainer of my life.  

Bonita Cafe 2012

I know not everyone who reads this blog follows Jesus like I do. Please don't take this post as preaching. I have been thinking about these words for a long time. I write this for myself to remember what Jesus said when He said, "“If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water...Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again,  but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

So my journey of fitness and health and running is all part of my journey of following Jesus. It's cool. Life is all connected. Jesus reconnected my broken pieces. I feel whole not because I am more fit, but because God makes me so. 

Unsolicited Advice & Monday Morning Weigh In

I had to run to Cambodia on Saturday with the family. It is a long boring trip filled with bad snacks and worse movies, but hey, we made it and it's done. Along the way I was sitting in front of a guy who felt he was very smart...and loud. We stopped at a 7-11 and I was buying a Coke Zero when out of no where he says to me, "You know that's not really healthy right?"... Ok.

I think you all know where I am going with this. Nobody wants unsolicited advice. Whether it is health, life, faith, finance, whatever. If you didn't ask, you probably don't need or want my input. Look I know I probably shouldn't be drinking Coke Zero. I will probably go blind or glow in the dark or something. I know it. You don't have to tell me...YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME. You know what it made me want to do? Go buy a 2 liter of it and drink the whole thing in his presence. But you know what, that is my character flaw. That isn't at all how I should react. All I did was shrug my shoulders and say, "I'm thirsty." And then walk away.

I think there are 2 important lessons here.

1. Nobody wants advice not asked for or at least advice from someone they haven't given permission to give it. I take advice from good friends and spiritual mentors. I am part of a running club and love getting advice from them. We have camaraderie and are all trying to improve. It's all good, but if some dude I don't know stops me going around the park and offers me his "best running tip" or I run into a "fat" evangelist (skinny person giving fat person they don't know unsolicited advice)...yeah I ain't listening. So I know people give unsolicited advice for a variety of reasons but my best advice is just...don't.
2. Be gracious. I could've been more gracious to the guy offering the advice instead of just sort of blowing him off. Usually, people mean well. Be gracious because you know we are all guilty of this at some point in our lives. They are loved by God and are flawed like I am. Cut them some slack. Smile, say thank you and go on.

Monday Morning Weigh In:

Starting Weight: 119kg (261.8 lbs)

Last Week: 110.5kg (243.1 lbs) I gained 1.5lbs last week.

This Week: 109.2kg (240.2 lbs) -2.9 lbs Thank you very much! Pleased? Yes. Excited!

For Starters

OK. So you guys are catching me at the very start of this thing. I am not sure where this is going but we will find out. I have always been a bit of a big guy. That is probably an understatement. at my largest that I weighed in at, I was 381 pounds. I was newly married and I knew my life had to change drastically and I took some pretty extreme measures (lap-band surgery). I'll save that story for another time. But just to let you know briefly where I am coming from and where I am going, this is my first post.

Honestly though, surgery aside, with the help of family I was able to get with a personal trainer who helped me with not just exercising but changing the way I live my life. We worked hard. And with his help I got my weight down to 231lbs and I ran my first Marathon in 2007 in Cleveland in, Ohio in 5:26:36. That was something I thought I would never do. Here was the problem though. I got frustrated that I wasn't losing anymore weight and I was never able to see myself as skinny. Even though I went from a 4XL to XL and even at times L, I always saw myself as the fat guy. It is who I believed I was. My life was disconnected.

I have been able to run 3 marathons since then. Disney World, Columbus and Akron. My weight ballooned back up. I even got back up to 280 at one point. Disney World and Columbus, although I finished, were very disappointing. I wept after both of them probably out of exhaustion and the realization how out of shape I was getting. I felt like it was confirming what I believed my whole life about myself. Akron was my comeback in the fall of 2011. It felt great. I finished in just under 6 hours. But my weight is still floating around 261 lbs (119kg) and I am back to wearing 2XL or hate to say even 3XL depending on the make.

I am realizing my health is connected to my relationships, my spirituality, my work and all aspects of my life. It is all connected. And when one part is out of whack, it puts the rest of my life out of whack. So welcome to my blog. My quest for physical, relational and spiritual health. Journey with me if you want. Share your story as we go. But if you have struggled your whole life with your weight and have seen how it affects the rest of your life, I feel your pain. I am there, but I am not staying there. I am 37 and am not getting younger. I have a 5 yr old son who is awesome and a supportive wife. This is for them as much as me. LOL, they don't even know I started this blog.

How This Blog Works:

1. Still figuring that out.

2. I will probably be overly personal and at times speak over emotionally. lol. But I want it to be honest.

3. Monday morning Weigh In's. Feel free to add your progress or struggle in with mine.

4. I am learning alot about eating vegetarian. I am not there yet although I have made it2.5 days now. Come either help teach me or learn what I am learning.

5. I live in Bangkok, Thailand so I may be referencing time that hasn't happened for you yet. Just know I am about 12 hours ahead and not a time traveler.

OK. That's it for now. My blog isn't completely set up but I will take it as it comes. Please feel free to follow along.

Did I mention the Bangkok Marathon is November 18th? Yeah, I'm doing that.