Disclaimer: This is not me preaching. This is me remembering.
“My people have
committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”
Jeremiah 2:13
I need this reminder every once in a while. A cistern is a tank for storing water or an underground reservoir for water. You would see them all over Thailand where I live. It sustains life by giving water. So many times in my life I have tried to build cisterns to take care of myself and so many times they have failed me.
One of the biggest ones is the way I cope with disappointment, anger, stress and pretty much any negative emotion. It has been my cistern for as long as I can remember. Eating. Growing up wasn't much fun for me I must admit. I was always the fat kid. There isn't one school picture that doesn't reflect this. Throughout elementary and middle school I was the butt of about every joke. At least it felt that way. Throw in a brief bout with body odor in 4th & 5th grade and a speech impediment that finally got dealt with in 6th grade, I was a mess. While I had some really good friends, there were days I just couldn't take it. What would I do? I would come home and thrash the cupboards and refrigerator until the pain and hurt was subdued by the euphoria of food. Of course this only perpetuated my obesity. But it was my coping mechanism. My cistern. And it was broken.
It stays with me into adulthood. While I have victory most days, this habit tends to creep back into my life and derail me. At one point in my life I ballooned up to 381.5lbs. That was my darkest moment; and my wake up call.
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| Honeymoon 2004 |
Through the help of doctors, an amazing trainer, the encouragement of my friends, family and Jesus I have made it down to 240lbs. It is a long hard road. I struggle to get past this point because my broken cistern comes back to haunt me and tempt me and at times it wins out. Yet I don't want to trade in something broken for another busted cistern. See I have to remember that eating right and exercising, while important, will just end up being another broken cistern in my life. It will disappoint me and let me down. It has already. I suffered through injuries and disappointing performances that felt less life giving and more life sucking. I love it and it is a good habit to have but it isn't the whole of me.
I forget that God is my wellspring of life. He is the true life giver. He has restored so many broken pieces of my life and continues to do so. Wholeness is found in brokenness when I realize I can build cisterns, coping mechanisms in my life but they will let me down and disappoint at some point. I find I am at my best when I quit trying to handle everything on my own and allow God to be the sustainer of my life.
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| Bonita Cafe 2012 |
I know not everyone who reads this blog follows Jesus like I do. Please don't take this post as preaching. I have been thinking about these words for a long time. I write this for myself to remember what Jesus said when He said, "“If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water...Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
So my journey of fitness and health and running is all part of my journey of following Jesus. It's cool. Life is all connected. Jesus reconnected my broken pieces. I feel whole not because I am more fit, but because God makes me so.
My last post was about fear.Well I got a confession: I purposely stayed off the scale while I was hurt because I was afraid to see the results. Well I sucked it up this morning and stood on the scale. Let's recap shall we?
